Rejection tastes like unbrushed teeth.
Said another way, after I received an email rejection from a drama school I did not get out of my nightgown until 5 this evening.
I focused myself on clearing out my email inbox and did serious tweeting and facebooking. Thoughts like, "they're looking for someone younger than you," and, "they want someone with more professional experience than you for your age," flitted by my brain. I stared at the way the sun illuminated my floor. I made a list of all the projects that I have ever thought of doing with my friends and then posting to youtube. I looked at videos I had taken of these two tortoiseshell kittens yesterday and thought, if only I had the purry one on my chest now, I would be alright. Just don't lose it over this rejection.
The rejection letter happened to be one of the kindest I have ever gotten. "You should not consider us in isolation to be accurate arbiters of your talent or potential," the admissions officers told me. As an American applying for a British drama school, I am essentially competing for one spot reserved for an American girl. There are many other factors that go into whether or not one gets accepted to a conservatory program from age and experience related concerns that had been flitting by my brain to the auditors' judgement of one's marketability to how you would fit with one's class--and, of course, how they auditors--two human beings--felt about one's audition. Human decisions are made by humans. I will not consider any rejection--or acceptance!--to be an accurate reading of my talent or potential.
Two years ago, I read an article in Interview magazine about the actress Cary Mulligan. I am her age. Scanning the article, I kept thinking, "What!? And she's only my age! And she's so confident and humble and kind! And she has such a career!" And then my eyes lighted on another piece of information: she had begun going out on auditions at age six. At that time, I had only been on the acting road for a year. The only person I could judge myself against was myself.
Again, this clarity came: I have two more drama school auditions coming up. I cannot be focused on the goal of acceptance but I must be focused on goals which I have control over. Then regardless of the outcome I will win. I know that I will do three monologues and an interview. This will be an opportunity for me to practice my auditioning and interviewing. I will set goals to hit for my performances and my interviews.
I will be realistic about my chances; I will make sure I will win.
